Wow.

i don't think
i ever could have expected this
or even imagined it
in my craziest thoughts.

Eighty

I just wish I knew
that everything
was going
to work out
okay.

Become

maybe
i've got to become comfortable
with not knowing
what to do

String

I found this playwright
who writes strings of sentences
and breaks them up
in pretty, tiny places
and calls it a play
made up of poemish things.
She puts in everyday jargon
all the ums and uhs and stuffs.
Like life.
Because that's how people talk.
See, hers were interviews.
But she broke them up
instead of blocking paragraphs out of words marching on and on and on and on until they stop with a period
.
. . .
and start
again.

And I thought,
hey.
I do that, too.
Except my plays
don't consist of my poetry.

But if sentences broken up
in pretty, tiny places
can be a play
then they can be a poem.
Like, a real poem.
Not just a midnight rambling
that makes it look like
I don't know how to write real poems
or work with pentameter
and alliteration and assonance
or write something like a sestina.
Because I can do that.
I just don't right now.
And neither did this author
when she wrote her play collection
of monologues and ums and uhs
and sentences broken
into pretty, tiny strings.
And it made me feel happy.

Gone

Why is time
slipping like sand
through my helpless fingers?
I want to hold on
or stop it from going through so quickly.
Wait!
Go just a little slower!
Wait! Stop! Wait!

Agh.

"there's nothing to writing
all you have to do
is sit down
and open up a vein"

so, i'm trying?
but the damn vein
doesn't seem to want to open.
come
on.
How long does it take?

Latch

Sometimes
it's so easy
to be open
to say
what's on my mind
and in my heart.
But
I need you
to want to hear.

Scream

I tried to escape you living vicariously through me
by doing the same thing you wanted me to do.
It was always such a secret escape for me,
and yet it was almost everything you ever wanted!
How does that work? How is that even fair?

And I never even realized until years after I stopped.

Clock

I still toss my glance to the bathroom wall
expecting to see the rainbow clock,
two minutes behind schedule (or something like that),
but this is a new time and place
and it isn't there.
It's funny the way my brain
flips the orientation of the room in looking.
But I wonder
how long it will be
before I stop.

Block

I wonder how you know
when you should listen to your head
and when you should pay attention
to what your heart's telling you?

Everytime, I tell myself I'll be all right.

Sometime
I'd like to take the time
to write real poetry
instead of these snippets of sentences
I pretend are some sort of art.


Tonight will be different.
How does one actually change?
Look at something
know it's wrong
and consciously work on changing?
How does one choose what to become
who to be
and turn into that?
I always wonder
about when people say
they want to change their heart
about something.
"Really?" I want to say.
"Really? How do you do that?
Because I've tried before."

Sentences

I miss my black sequined dress
the one I wear to dance in Chicago.

Bomont? Where the hell is Bomont?
(Donald always said fuck instead of hell.)

Somebody's eyes are watching
somebody's eyes will never close, never sleep
somebody's after the secrets that you keep.

I had a pink slippery suit when I was five
and now I wore one again for gym.
Funny, the way things come full circle like that.

My church dress
looked like Eric's beach towel.
So he said, anyway.

Amy did my hair every night.
She said it was exactly the same as her hair was in the 80s when she was a teenager.
I miss her already
and it's only been four hours since we hugged goodbye.

I need to learn to sing from my heart more.

I'm sad this is over. I'm going to miss it tremendously.
Even more than I miss my hot sequined dress and big hair and purple eyeshadow
I miss people.

Blink

I loved being six years old,
my thumb never leaving my mouth,
Felicity never leaving my arms,
and butterfly clips with sparkly wings on springs to the body
leaving my hair only when I slept,
just before which time I would place them
gently onto the bathroom counter
until I would wake around six o'clock in the morning
and could run to put them back in.

The interpreters all called me, "miss,"
and told me I had insects in my hair.

Night

Hi, God.
I don't know why I'm still here.
Yeah.
That's all.
Bye.

Movement Studio

Tears
Blood
Breaks
Sweat
Pain

Hugs
Friendship
Love
Laughter
Life.

Faith

Did I ever tell you
that I always looked
at the fourth window from the doors on the left
before I came in,
and I always loved
when yellow light glowed
from behind the shades
because then I knew that you were there?

Well
I did.

It was kind of like a funny sort of coming home.

Hands

"Good.

It's all settled,
then.

You will major in theatre
and be an amazing and talented artist

And have a blast
every
day
of
your
life.

The end!"

I think
I'm awfully glad
I have people
who tell me I'm not insane
and remind me
how much I want this.

Lessons learned, and things

The flowers divided prettily among four thin vases (really empty Jones Soda bottles) and sitting on my desk, computer cart, other desk, and dresser do a lovely job of brightening up my room.

I like performing in real roles in things, even if it's scary.

Margaritas are amazing things. They taste wonderful.

I want to learn to be more outgoing all the time... I don't like getting quiet. I don't like being insecure.

I want people to love me.

Water with lemon and lime is nice, too. I always take the lemon and lime slices off the side of the glass so they can flavor the water. It tastes good that way.

I don't like it when people talk about other people. And I wonder what people think of me... what they think of me.

I want to keep performing in musicals
and having flowers
and drinking margaritas.

Voice

I can't worry
what the world will say
I may fly or fall,
but either way
I'm free.

I need to exemplify this
in my solos Saturday
and stop worrying and worrying,
constantly worrying
about sucking or fucking them up.

DIE, VAMPIRE, DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE
DIE.

Right now, right here, making our breaks for heaven's sake!
We will be released--
Heaven helps the man,
heaven helps the man,
heaven helps the man--
I'M FREE!

Jumping

Remember how I decided
I was going to stay here
and make the best of it?
Well,
I question that decision
every single day
and wonder why the hell
I'm staying where I am.

Two plus zero equals
nothing in terms of a future.